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You Know You're Getting Older When...
Published on 9/12/2006

  • A fortune teller offers to read your face

  • The little old gray haired lady you help across the street... is your wife

  • You get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." (Jerry Seinfeld)

  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions

  • You're older than your dentist

  • Those issues of Reader's Digest just can't come fast enough

  • You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere

  • You stop to look at a new automobile and think, "Gee, that's a nice looking car." And it's a Ford Taurus.

  • Your idea of a sexy babe is Kate O'Beirne.

  • You actually want socks for Christmas.

  • Your kids groan when you tell them stories about when you were a kid, too.

  • You go to bed before your kids.

  • You and your teeth don't sleep together

  • A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours

  • Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work

  • You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick

  • Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

  • You're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.

  • All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

  • You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation

  • You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course

  • You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead

  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room

  • People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

  • You send money to PBS

  • The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

  • You take a metal detector to the beach.

  • You know what the word "equity" means.

  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

  • Your ears are hairier than your head.

  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

  • You got cable for The Weather Channel.

  • You can go bowling without drinking.

  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

  • You find yourself smiling at this list.

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