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Face the fury of Dick Cheney
Published on 2/17/2006
By Myles, our new contributor.
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW.
Unless of course you're watching a Chuck Norris marathon then by all means, finish it and come back to this article later. Sorry to have disturbed you. Please don't use any Texas whoop-ass on me.
If you're doing anything else though and that includes the Heimlich, the Macarena or the moonwalk I would advise you to pay attention to what I'm about to share with you.
As you all have heard, Dick Cheney accidentally sprayed a friend with pellets (yes, THAT'S what we call it now). After 6 exhausting hours of online searching I have finally come across a top-secret list that mentions the names of individuals who are next on Cheney's hit list. Of course, the media and the White House will have you believe otherwise...but don't be brainwashed by this man. After all, his name is DICK.
McCauley Culkin was once the CIA's top assassin. But because of his recent drug use and the fact that he fucked with a ‘made' guy (Joe Pesci in Home Alone 1-2), he will get what's coming to him.
Tatyana Ali a.k.a Ashly Banks. When her singing career took off and Fresh Prince was subsequently cancelled, Cheney was so pissed off that he apparently went on a hunger strike for 2 weeks. When they didn't bring the show back, he said “get me a big mac and Tatyana Ali's hat.”
Wow. Corey Feldman really has it coming to him. After allegedly getting AIDS (several times, my sources tell me) on the set of the GOONIES, he met Dick Cheney at the premiere and whispered in his ear that “the rumours were true.” True to form Cheney then followed Feldman into the men's room, where an exchange was made. A few years later, the AIDS virus appeared in Cheney's blood and he was forced to perform an experimental emergency blood transfusion with someone who had the same blood type as him; Cliff Yablonski.
Judy Garland brought Liza Minnelli into the world. WHAT KIND OF SICK MONSTER WOULD DO THAT?! Dick Cheney has taken it upon himself to eliminate all traces of that family tree. He has found a way to go back in time, dress-up as one of the munchkins and surprise Judy Garland as she makes her way down the yellow brick road.
Look for the Osmond family in the obituaries soon. Cheney has always had a mean streak but look-out, when it comes to entertainment families, no wonder they always disappear. In the handbook Cheney quips “Do not look directly into their eyes; from the depths of hell evil has spawned.”
Dick Cheney was turned down for the role of “Mr. Davis”, the bumbling principal in New York Minute, the twins' highest grossing movie ever (1.3$ million). As revenge, he plans on holding hostage the families of Bob Saget, John Stamos and Dave Coulier. In exchange for their freedom the ex-Full House stars must hunt down the twins, kidnap them, drive to Mexico and sodomize them until they forget what their names are.
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