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30 Funny Woody Allen Quotes
Published on 11/6/2007
Funny Woody Allen quotes on love, life and relationships.
- "Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love."
- "Love is the answer... but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."
- "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips."
- "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
- "I didn't know he was dead... I thought he was British."
- "Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."
- "My brain? it's my second favorite organ."
- "The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
- "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
- "I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
- "Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
- "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
- "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."
- "Sex is only dirty if it's done right."
- "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like... making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
- "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
- "The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty"
- "Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
- "I've often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness... is me."
- "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
- "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
- "Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying."
- "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
- "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
- "Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
- "Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
- "Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
- "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."